A Functioning Family--What Does It Look Like?

Terms like co-dependancy and dysfunctional are more than just the latest buzz words. Dysfunctional families are not happy families. Children from dysfunctional families do not feel loved and accepted. They do not feel like they belong. A family that is functioning well is meeting basic needs. Parents are firm but kind. They ask for and give respect. They learn from their mistakes. They're for each other and always include limits. Parents set the right example. Dr. Kevin Leman does a good job of defining the basic rules for functional family living.

First, the parents are firm but fair. What does this mean? They are not permissive, nor are they authoritarian. Permissive parents say: "OK, have it your way." They can't seem to say "No" and mean it. Authoritarian parents say, "My way or the highway." Leman says, "Both these approaches fail to meet the basic psychological needs. . . . Both approaches leave children feeling unloved, insecure, not belonging anywhere, unapproved of, unrecognized, and operating in a dependant, irresponsible way. Both these approaches destroy or erode children's self-image or sense of self-worth. When used to extremes, both approaches lead straight to a seriously dysfunctional family." Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, p. 54.

The firm but fair approach requires flexibility, with freedom to fail, to ask questions, to disagree, to think, and to express anger in appropriate ways.

Ask and Give Respect: Parents need to recognize that respect is a two-way street--if you want respect from your children, you must respect them. Yes, you are the adult and you are in charge, but you don't have to yell, be harsh, or use the drill sergeant approach to discipline. Yes, it is hard to find the right balance between being too harsh or too lenient. We can learn from our mistakes. And we as parents can help children to learn from their mistakes. One of the best ways to avoid making the same errors is to apologize when we blow it. Children respect parents who have the humility to apologize. Many times I have had to go to Fred, our oldest, and apologize for my angry words. He would always say, "That's OK, Dad. I had it coming. I forgive you." To be firm but fair always allows for failures and mistakes. We should loosen up and quit trying to be perfect. There are no flawless parents. We all make mistakes. Some can be very serious.

Love Includes Limits: Unconditional love is the cornerstone of successful parenting. But genuine love includes limits. God holds us accountable for our words and actions. Yes, we must be kind and compassionate but let us be firm and fair. The big challenge is how to communicate limits. "Tom, let's sit down here on the sofa and share some feelings." (This is much better than, "Tom, I want to talk to you.") Set the stage for an exchange of feelings that are honest and kind. "Remember when we bought the TV, we all agreed on a set of TV guidelines? You have not lived up to our agreement. . . . I will give you one more chance. If you fail to live up to our TV rules, there will be consequences. You will lose your TV privileges for a considerable period of time."

Children who feel loved function much more cooperatively. Use lots of eye contact, focused attention, and appropriate touching. This will help.

Parents Must Agree: Parents should often discuss their values and their discipline philosophy. You need to present a united front to your children. Kids are masters of the art of "divide and conquer." So, get by yourselves and decide your values and then agree on a reasonable strategy.

What parents believe about right and wrong is vital. Tell your children often: "We believe . . . and this is why . . ." There is so much valuelessness in modern society. The foundations of our values as Christians is, of course, the Word of God. Remember, keep repeating the phrase: "This is what we believe . . ."

For emphasis we repeat Dr. Leman's six rules for a functional family:

1. "Be firm but fair.
2. "Ask--and give--respect.
3. "Learn from mistakes.
4. "What you see is what you get.
5. "Real love includes limits.
6. "Walk, don't just talk, your values." Ibid, p. 71.

If you want to have a functional family based on the Word of God, you will need to sit down with your family often and talk about how your family is functioning. The golden rule of parenting is "treat your children as you want to be treated." Show respect for your children just as you expect them to respect you. Give lots of choices instead of just telling them what to do. "Make a list of the traditional and eternal values, such as honesty, forgiveness, humility, and being a good sport, that you hold and that you want to communicate to your children. Then look for ways to model these values." Ibid, p. 73.

"These commandments . . . are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" (Deut. 6:6, 7, NIV).