Tim, as a young child, always had a problem understanding the difference between fantasy and reality. Now, he is 13 years of age. "Tim, is this all of the change from the $20 bill that I gave you to buy groceries? May I see the cashier's receipt slip?" "Oh, sure, Mom. It's in some pocket here. I can't seem to find it. Sorry." Tim's mom counted out the change. It amounted to $7.23. "Are you sure this is all the change, Tim?" "Sure, Mom." Later, Tim's mom found the receipt slip in a shirt pocket. The total grocery bill amounted to $8.95. He gave me $7.23 change. Something is wrong here. Tim's mom shook her head in sadness. What shall I do. I must confront Tim.

That night, just before bedtime, she said to Tim, "Can we sit down here and talk for a few minutes?" "Sure, Mom. What do have on your mind?" "Tim, I found the grocer's cashier's receipt in your shirt pocket. The groceries cost $8.95. You gave me $7.23 in change. Where is the rest of my change? You owe me $3.82." Tim looked at the floor and finally said, "Sorry, Mom. I remember now. I needed some glue for my model airplane. I should have asked your permission. I'm sorry, I'll never do it again."

"Tim, this is very serious. Even though it isn't a lot of money, integrity is very important in our family and you have let us down. You led me to believe that $7.23 was the total change. You kept back $3.82 for your glue and that is stealing." Tim's mom reached out and put her arm around Tim's shoulder and pulled him close. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to sob quietly. "Tim, I am so disappointed in you. If you continue to rationalize things like this you are headed for big trouble. I'd really like to know how you feel."

"Well, Tim, there will be a penalty. You have two choices. You may forfeit going to the football game Sunday afternoon or I will take $10 out of your next month's allowance. You can decide what the penalty will be." Tom stood up and said again, "Mom, I am very sorry. I promise you I will never do it again and I really want to win back your trust in me!" Tim's mother kissed him good-night.

Tim's mother showed her love for her son by: 1. Confronting him. 2. By keeping calm and poised. 3. She used thinking words like penalty and integrity. 4. She gave a reasonable consequence for the misbehavior. 5. She gave him a choice.

Jerry and Lili were playing nicely on the floor in the family room. Lili gave Jerry's logo tower a kick with her foot as she got up. His carefully built logo tower came down with a bang! "Lili, you did that on purpose! I saw you. Here's what you get!" With that he hit her in the face. Lili went wailing into the kitchen saying, "Jerry hit me in the face!" Mother rushed into the family room. "Jerry, you hit your sister in the face and gave her a bloody nose! Now, tell me what happened." "Mom, she purposely knocked down my logo tower with her foot. I saw her." "Lili, come here and bring a Kleenex with you." Mother wiped the drop of blood from Lili's lips. "Jerry, do you see what you did to your sister? Let's talk."

"Jerry, you know the rule in this house: No hitting allowed--under any circumstances." "Lili, did you knock down Jerry's logo tower?" "Yes, Mother. But he wouldn't let me play with him." "Jerry, how do you feel about hitting your sister?" Jerry looked at her and said, "Lili, I'm sorry."

"Jerry, you know better. And there will be consequences. But you have a choice. We will take away your logo blocks for a week or lock up your bicycle for three days. Please go to your room for 20 minutes, think about what you did and come back and tell me your choice."

"Lili, you knocked down Jerry's tower. "Yes, Mom. I am sorry, Jerry!" And Lili, you have two choices: No TV this evening or no playing with Sarah after school tomorrow for two hours. And you may go to your room for 15 minutes and think about what you did. Then come back and tell me your choice." Jerry's and Lili's mother responded with action and no lecture. The penalties were reasonable and she provided choices. Foster W. Cline, MD, a well known child psychiatrist says, "Choices change the entire complexion of the control struggle. They allow us to give away the control we don't need and gain the control we do...One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to choose. They must decide...." Parenting With Love and Logic, pp. 77, 78.

Note the loving, but firm attitude of both mothers toward complex situations. They demonstrated that "relationships come before rules." And the parents kept a positive attitude--no anger and no yelling.

"In controlling and discipling them (children), be firm, but kind....Praise the children when they do well...Be kind and tenderhearted, showing Christian politeness, thanking and commending your children for the help they give you." Child Guidance, pp. 259, 260.