"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." I learned this bit of wisdom as a child on the playground. But I have since discovered the folly of it. Words can wound for a lifetime. Note Job's response to his "friends." "How long will you torment my soul, And break me in pieces with words?" (Job 19:2, NKJV). Children can exasperate. They can "drive you up the wall." They know the right button to press to make us yell. After a confrontation with Tommy, age 4, Sue walked into her bedroom crying. "And to think I said just yesterday I'll never yell at Tommy again!"

Murray A. Straus, co-director of the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire, cautions in a new study, "'Parents should never yell, scream, or call their kids [derogatory] names'....His earlier work has linked parental verbal aggressiveness with children's mental illness and, along with a dozen other studies, showed that a parent's vocal fury can increase the odds of a child's developing delinquency, depression, and even bulimia." U.S. News & World Report, Aug 28, 2000.

Yelling can give children a sense of power. "I know how to make my Dad really mad," Mike said. But isn't it true that we give ourselves permission to scream or yell? What to do? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Listen to your body. One mother said, "Before I start screaming, I feel a knot in my stomach." Respect the early warnings. Sometimes parents need "time out," too. "When your children do wrong and are filled with rebellion, and you are tempted to speak and act harshly, wait before you correct them. Give them an opportunity to think, and allow your temper to cool....There is...power in silence." Child Guidance, pp. 246, 247.

2. Choose your battles wisely. Don't make a "federal case" out of things that really do not matter. Ask yourself, "Will my child's behavior harm her physically, or emotionally, or someone else? Am I in a condition to follow through on this one; will this really matter tomorrow?"

Don't get involved in a parent-child power struggle. Ron Taffel, Ph.D. said, "Instead, pause, take a couple of breaths and change direction: Unexpected humor can work wonders with younger kids; suddenly removing yourself from power struggles with grade-school children can have an instant impact. For preteens and teens, empower them, enlisting their help in solving the problem. Let's say your daughter always puts off doing her homework. If you feel the urge to yell, say, 'This system isn't working, is it? How do you think you can get it accomplished?' Of course, power struggles won't instantly disappear, but staying flexible often relieves the urge to scream." McCalls, April, 1995.

Sometimes we scream because we think we are not being heard. You might try a totally different approach. Let's say 4-year-old Ronnie refuses to go to bed. Walk over to him very seriously. Get down on your knees, take both of his hands in yours, and look him straight in the eye. Speaking quietly, but firmly, say: "What time is bedtime for Ronnie?" Ronnie responds: "It's 8:00 o'clock." "Do you know what time it is now? It's 8:15. Now, Ronnie, I expect you to go up the stairs, get ready for bed, then we will have a story." Ronnie slowly moves toward the stairway. Dr. Taffel reports that kids have told him, "'I don't pay attention to Mom when she yells a lot. But if she talks in that low voice, I know she's serious.'"

"Those who desire to control others must first control themselves. ...When a parent or teacher becomes impatient and is in danger of speaking unwisely, let him remain silent. There is wonderful power in silence. ...Mothers, however provoking your children may be in their ignorance, do not give way to impatience. Teach them patiently and lovingly. Be firm with them....Discipline them only when you are under the discipline of God....To manifest passion toward an erring child is to increase the evil. It arouses the worst passions of the child and leads him to feel you do not care for him....Before correcting them, go by yourself, and ask the Lord to soften and subdue the hearts of your children and to give you wisdom in dealing with them....Do not, I beg of you, correct your children in anger." Child Guidance, pp. 247, 245, 244.

The wisest man who ever lived said, "Do not be rash with your mouth" (Eccl. 5:2, NKJV). Yelling at children is a habit that can be broken. Prayer has wonderful power. I remember one time when disciplining my oldest son, I acted rashly. Later, I apologized, then he apologized for his dilatory habits. We hugged each other. Now he is a middle-aged man. How thankful I am that the Lord helped me to better control my feelings.