A recent study of parenting patterns revealed that "more than 90 percent of parents (used) some form of corporal punishment on their kids ages 2 to 4." If you have read extensively in the field of parenting, you have discovered that parenting experts do not agree on parenting methods. One study by the University of New Hampshire (UNH) involving some 900 children, ages 1 to 4, found that "spanking and other forms of corporal punishment may have a negative impact" upon a child's "motivation to learn, brain development, (and) IQ." It seems that parents who rarely or never spank spent "more time reasoning with their children...That verbal interaction exercises the brain and increases the neural connection," says Murray Straus, Ph.D., a co-author of the UNH study. Parenting, Febuary, 1999.

Next to love, discipline is a child's greatest need. But, let us remember that the purpose of discipline is teaching. The most important goal in all discipline is to help a child set his own limits. T. Berry Brazatlon says, "When a parent uses physical punishment, there is a dangerous message implied: 'Violence is the way to settle issues.' We live in a violent culture today. Do we want to perpetuate that message? Do we want to say, 'I can do this because I'm bigger than you?'" Family Circle, 10/5/99.

Calleb Rosado, Ph.D. says, "Parents of problem kids repeatedly fail to punish them for failing to obey. What frequently happens is that they simply ignore everything until things get so out of hand that, in frustration, the parents lash out. It is under such circumstances again that abusive spanking arises." Message Magazine, March/April, 1998.

Another factor to remember is that spanking drastically alleviates guilt feelings. When a child is whipped, he feels he has paid the price and his guilt is gone. Later, especially during the adolescent years, these children will need the inner controls of conscience and guilt. But let us ever remember that disobedience cannot be tolerated. "No parent or teacher who has at heart the well-being of those under his care will compromise with the stubborn self-will that defies authority... Whipping may be necessary when other resorts fail, yet she should not use the rod if it is possible to avoid doing so...Frequently one such correction will be enough for a lifetime, to show the child that he does not hold the lines of control." Child Guidance, pp. 236, 250.

Natural and Logical Consequences: This method has many advantages over the reward and punishment approach. "First, it holds children, not their parents, responsible for their behavior. Second, it allows children to make their own decisions about what courses of action are appropriate. Third, it permits children to learn from the (impersonal) natural or social order of events rather than forcing them to comply with the wishes of other persons. The child who refuses to eat goes hungry. The child who insists on not wearing mittens gets cold hands." Don Dinkmyer & Gary D. McKay, The Parent's Handbook, p. 71.

When using this method, provide choices. For instance: "Sally, we are trying to watch TV. You may settle down and watch the program with us or leave the room. You decide which you would rather do." Late for meals: Most parents will call several times, lecture, feed them anyway after everyone else has finished. Better: Allow the children to be responsible for getting themselves to the table. Explain that meals will be served at a specific time and that you will call them once and it is up to them to decide whether or not to come. If they miss the meal, they go without food until the next meal.

Don, 11 years old, has been asked repeatedly to put his bicycle in the garage. But he forgets and leaves it on the driveway. Father comes in limping one evening after falling over the bicycle in the dark. "What's the matter, Dad?" "I fell over your bicycle in the dark and hurt my knee. I'm too angry to talk about this now." (One hour later.) "Don, I want to talk to you about responsibility. Do you remember where the bicycle belongs?" "Dad, I'm sorry. I'll never leave my bicycle out again." "This time there will be consequences. Which would you prefer: to write a three-page theme on responsible care of a bicycle, or have the bicycle locked up for three days?" Waiting for one hour before discussing the issue gives Don's conscience a chance to work. Writing a theme about responsible care of a bicycle or taking the it away for three days is obviously a logical consequence of the misbehavior.

Provide choices and accept the child's decision. Use a friendly tone of voice that communicates your love. As you follow through with a consequence, assure the child that God will help him to do better if he will ask Him. Pray with him and for your children. Be patient. It will take time for natural and logical consequences to be effective, but it will pay big dividends.