"Oh, Jane, you are the greatest! You made your bed and cleaned your room without being asked. You are such a good girl!" Children need affirmation and encouragement, but not praise or flattery. Children can be hooked on praise like a drug. John Rosemond, Family Psychologist says, "Like sugar, praise can be habit-forming. Children who are praised either excessively or evalulatively often develop a dependence on outside approval. Children so hooked are like a tire with a slow leak: they must be pumped up every so often or they'll go flat." Signs of the Times, August 2000

Many parents believe that praise builds self-esteem, but it can do just the opposite. Praise can develop a perfectionist attitude. (See Dr. Kevin Leman, Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, p. 167.) Children who are praised or flattered feel that they are not of value in their own right, but that their value is based on performance. If you want to increase your child's sense of self-worth, help him to be successful. Find out what his natural aptitudes are, and then support him in that direction. (If your son or daughter is good at music, provide music lessons.)

When I was a child in school I was not very well coordinated. At recess time when the students would choose up sides for a ball game, I was often the last one to be chosen. Consequently my self-esteem was very low. When I got older my father gave me voice lessons. I learned to sing quite well and was asked to sing for the adult Sabbath School. I received considerable affirmation. This enhanced my sense of self-worth.

When Dad came home from work he drove the car into the garage. As he looked around he couldn't believe his eyes. The floor was neatly swept, tools were put in place, and the workbench was clean. "Tom, this garage looks great! And I am very pleased! Thank you so very much!" This response is appropriate. Tom's father didn't say, "Oh, Tom, you are the best boy in the world!" "Praise says, 'You're great because you did something'." Encouragement says, "It's great that something was done and I appreciate it." This is a subtle difference, but is extremely important to recognize.

Encouragement helps children to feel like they belong, that they are capable and appreciated. Praise uses "You messages" like: "You're so smart, you're the greatest." You have heard of the "carrot and the stick." Praise can become the "carrot." We would prefer that the child do good for its own sake. (See Leman, Ibid, p. 166.) Note the following statement: "A child's true goodness will bring its own reward, even in this life." Child Guidance, p. 145. "Judicious commendation is as great a help to them as it is to those older in years and understanding... Be kind and tenderhearted, showing Christian politeness, thanking and commending your children for the help they give you." Ibid., p. 260.

Catch your child being good, then affirm them. Again from Children Guidance: "Express your appreciation of the efforts they put forth to restrain their inclinations to do wrong." Ibid., p. 261.

Note the following helpful and unhelpful remarks:

Helpful: "Thanks for the birthday card! It cheered me up and made my day."

Unhelpful: "Thanks for the birthday card. You really know how to collect fun cards!"

Helpful: "I was so tired last night and your doing the dishes really helped me. Thank you so much!"

Unhelpful: "Jean, you are such a great, thoughtful, kind daughter. Thanks for doing the dishes!"

Helpful: "Larry, your report card made me very happy. A card like that represents lots of hard work!"

Unhelpful: "Larry, you are so smart! Your report card made me proud of you."

"Many children, for want of words of encouragement and a little assistance in their efforts, become disheartened... A few words of encouragement, or a little help at the right time, may carry them over their trouble and discouragement; and the satisfaction they will derive from seeing the task completed that they undertook will stimulate them to greater exertion." Child Guidance, p. 128.

"A centurion once came to (Jesus) pleading...'Lord, my servant is lying at home paralyzed, dreadfully tormented.'" Jesus replied, "'I will come and heal him.' The centurion answered and said, 'Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof. But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed.'" Jesus marveled, and said: "'I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!'...'As you have believed, so let it be done for you.'" Matt. 8:5-13, NKJV.

Jesus acknowledged the gift of a poor widow. "'Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all;...she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had." Luke 21:1-4, NKJV.

"Encourage one another and build each other up...Encourage the timid, help the weak." 1 Thess 5:11, 14, NIV. Pray for the gift of encouragement. (Rom. 12:8).