Parents should encourage their children to confide in them, and unburden to them their heart griefs, their little daily annoyances and trials. Thus, the parents can learn to sympathize with their children, and can pray with and for them...

"There is often a great distance between parents and children...(but) who are so well calculated to see and point out their dangers as godly parents? Who can understand the peculiar temperaments of their own children as well as they?" Testimonies to the Church, Vol. 1, pp. 391, 396, 392.

What can we do to achieve a relationship with our children so they will feel free to talk to us and to share their questions, their hurts, anxieties, love affairs, etc.? Here are ten suggestions:

1. Start young. During early childhood, bind your children to your hearts by acts of love and kindness. Spend lots of time with them. Children spell "LOVE"--"T-I-M-E." Read to your children. Talk with them, not just to them. Give your children lots of loving eye contact, focused attention, and appropriate touching.

2. Become best friends. Show an interest in their lives, sports, and friends. Do things together--things you both enjoy. "If the parents would enter more fully into the feelings of their children, and draw out what is in their hearts, it would have a beneficial influence upon them." Ibid. p. 396.

3. Listen to them. A listening heart provides parents with awesome power. It "is the supreme communication skill," says Dr. John Drakeford. The Awesome Power of the Listening Heart, p. 15. But listening to children is difficult for parents because it runs against our natural self-centered tendencies. "Listening --especially to children--takes humility, openness, and 'Agape' love. Yes, listening can be a powerful influence for good. When you truly listen you smooth the way for the child to say something to himself." Ibid., p. 29.

4. Avoid a judgmental attitude. Don't preach, or moralize. Don't hover, don't pry--give them space.

5. Be fair in your restrictions. Define your limits clearly. Discipline with love. Listen to their feelings.

6. Plan fun: A day at the beach, or in the mountains. Take ski lessons together. Plan an active social life. Make your home a Mecca for your teens and their friends. I remember Saturday nights at home. My teenage sisters often invited their friends to our home. There were games, popcorn, laughing and just clean fun. Social activities help provide identity --an important part of adolescent development.

7. Be available. You sense things are not going well with your teenage daughter. You suspect a social problem. (Maybe Jack, her current boyfriend has dropped her.) So you say, "Let's go out for some ice cream." Have a good time and don't pry--just be available. Then listen with your heart and be sparing of advice.

8. Be transparent. Share your life: "When I was 15--I remember this boy (or girl). I asked him (her) to play tennis, ... etc." Talk about your faith journey: "Once when I was 12 years old during a week of prayer. I wanted to be baptized but I felt I was not good enough, ... etc."

9. Build trust. Keep confidences. Do what you have agreed to do. Keep your promises. Be a true friend. Be natural and genuine.

10. Dialogue. How can we help teens to be thinkers and not mere reflectors of other men's opinions? Answer: Free and open discussion about relevant issues. Roger Dudley says that, We should "encourage teenagers to question our value statements....We must press adolescents to raise the questions, identify the issues, and think through to the solutions, or they will reach adulthood with a set of 'values' that can easily collapse and disappear in a crisis because they have never been personally committed to them." Passing on the Torch, p. 66. Constant dialogue is vital. Make your home a safe place for discussion. Learn to listen.

The payoff for this approach is when your children reach their teens --especially the late teens--when they begin to date. When your 19 year old comes to you and he shares his feelings about a certain girl--listen sympathetically. "But, Dad, one thing I am a little concerned about Sarah is that she has no feel for saving money...etc." That's the time for you to be heavy on supportive listening and short on advice. Again, remember Ellen White's counsel to "enter into the feelings" of their children. Again, share your spiritual journey. Pray with your children and for them.