George was a compliant, obedient boy until he reached adolescence. Then he gradually became sullen, resentful, disobedient, and uncooperative. As he grew older the situation became critical so his parents visited a family therapist. After a session with the therapist, George was called in. It finally all spilled out: "I love my parents, I guess. I have tried all my life to please them, but I'm never quite good enough. I never seem to reach their standards, so, I guess I've just given up. I really don't think they care about me."

The problem: Conditional love. When George lived up to their expectations, they were loving. But when he did wrong they became emotionally distant. When they punished him they were harsh and stern. George's father and mother were reasonably good parents. They provided for him and did things to make him happy. Yes, they loved George, but George did not feel loved. When children do not feel loved unconditionally their behavior may deteriorate dramatically. What is unconditional love? It is loving a child no matter what. No matter how the child acts or what he does, or how he looks--he should feel loved--unconditionally. Probably the greatest parenting challenge is to convey unconditional love when the child is being corrected.

Let us remember that children are children and their behavior is often unpleasant. But if we convey love in spite of misbehavior, they will eventually mature and give up their childish ways. "It is not necessary to resort to harsh measures; a firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love will accomplish the purpose." Child Guidance, p. 83. (Italic ours.) Dr. Ross Campbell suggests three ways to convey unconditional love:

Eye Contact--Eye contact means looking another person directly in the eyes. This is especially important with young children. At about eight weeks their eyes are sufficiently developed so they will follow your every movement. Looking lovingly into a child's eyes is a very nourishing experience. Eyes can say, "I love you." While bathing your little one keep up a constant conversation with loving eye contact. Parents often give negative eye contact when they are giving orders or reprimanding. I still remember my mother's lecture: "Charles, look at me, listen to me!" She shook her finger in my face and said, "Now remember what I have told you!" This is negative eye contact and should be used very sparingly. We should remember that eye contact is one of the most powerful sources of emotional nurture.

Physical Contact-- "There is a deep-seated hunger within us that no amount of food can satisfy. It is a hunger for the touch, the feel, the concrete reality of human contact. Quite literally, it is 'skin hunger.'" Sidney B. Simon. Most parents only touch children when necessary like helping them into the car or helping them dress, etc. We are not talking about kissing and hugging. All it takes to satisfy this deep-seated need is lots of casual touching such as a hand on the shoulder, tasseling the hair, a pat on the back.

Dr. Campbell says girl babies, up to 12 months, receive five times as much physical affection as little boys. More boys are seen by child psychiatrists--five to six times more often than girls. Boys desperately need "boy style" contact--"give me five," back slapping, playful hitting, bear hugs, etc. Pre-teen girls reach a crisis about 10 to 12 years of age. That's when they need lots of appropriate touching and love from their fathers. This is the way a girl is lead to believe that she is an OK woman. (Adapted from How to Really Love Your Child, pp. 47-49.)

Jesus was a toucher. "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them...He took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10: 13, 16, NIV. I asked our oldest son about the pleasant memories of his childhood and he said, "Dad, it's when you used to wrestle with me at night after dinner." There was lots of fun, laughing, holding, and touching.

Focused Attention--"Focused attention is giving a child our full, undivided attention in such a way that he feels without doubt that he is completely loved."Ibid, p. 55. Remember, children spell love: T-I-M-E. "Dad would you play with me?" "Tom, I would love to but I have some work I must get done this evening." So Tom puts a video in the VCR and Dad goes to his desk feeling guilty. We must learn to deal with "the tyranny of the urgent."

We need to make our marriages, our parenting tasks absolute priority. Each child needs your complete focused attention for some period of time each day. One busy executive has set aside Sunday afternoon for his children. His plan is to give each child his absolute focused attention for 30 minutes. This is a critical area in parenting. Toy manufactures are making millions from the guilt feelings of parents who substitute gifts for time. God, spouse, and children--this is the order of priority. So remember, give lots of eye contact, much appropriate touching, and focused attention. This will help convince your child that you love him/her unconditionally. "A home where love dwells, and where it is expressed in looks, in words, and in acts, is a place where angels delight to manifest their presence." Child Guidance, p. 146.