Love without limits leads to chaos. Limits without love brings rebellion. Many parents hesitate to state and enforce limits because they want to communicate unconditional love. But a child without limits is an unhappy child. "Children need a clear definition of acceptable and unacceptable conduct. They feel more secure when they know the borders of permissible action."1 "A firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love will accomplish the purpose."2 Here are a few suggestions:

1. Do not set limits when you are angry and in the midst of an argument with your child. You are apt to be unreasonable and regret some of the things you said.

2. Give careful thought ahead of time. Be sure your rules are based on your values and that they are reasonable and fair. They should be geared to the age of the child. Limits for a two-year-old may not be appropriate for a five-year-old. Rules for an 11-year-old may not be sensible for a 15-year-old.

3. Articulate your rules calmly and forcibly. If you are talking to young children, ask them to repeat to you what you have just said.

4. Set rules in a way to preserve the self-respect of the parent and the child. Avoid being arbitrary or capricious. Remember, your purpose is character development.

Resistance and resentment is natural for children. John, age 11, had been reminded that there is to be no television on school nights. John responds, "Mom, that's not fair. All my friends watch ----- on Tuesday nights. Please, it is only a 30-minute program!" "John, I'm sorry, but that is our rule in this house for you, for your older sister, and for your younger brother as well. You may watch acceptable programs on Saturday night and up to three hours on Sunday. By the way, I purchased the book you said you'd like to have." Don't be drawn into a debate. State your rule firmly and kindly, give a little sympathy and emotional support. This will minimize resentment. Parents have the responsibility to set standards and limits and enforce them.

Cynthia, age 16, was shopping for something new and different for school. She spied a mini-length lavender dress with a plum velvet sash. On the spur of the moment she bought it and charged it to her mother's account. That evening when mother came home, Cynthia met her at the door. "Look what I found on sale. It's so gorgeous! Wait until you see it on me! I charged it to your account." Cynthia's mother was really angry. She did the wise thing and went to her bedroom and closed the door until she could calm down. When she came out she said, "Cynthia, have you forgotten our rule--no charging in a department store without permission?" "But, Mom, it was on sale! I just couldn't pass it up." "Cynthia," said mother, "the rule is no charging without permission." (She remembered the skill she had learned when setting limits, to focus on the main message. Now, how could she get her to return the dress without threatening her sense of taste?) "I can see why you like the dress, but it is inappropriate for school." At this point, Cynthia was ready for a philosophical argument, but mother kept on the main point: "I can see that you really want the dress. I know it won't be easy to return it. Could you do it tomorrow afternoon?" "No," said Cynthia, "I'll have to do it tomorrow evening. Goodnight, Mother." Dr. Ginott says: "There is a crucial difference between the old way of imposing restrictions and the new way of setting limits. In the past the teenager's feelings were often ignored. The restrictions were set amidst anger and argument and in a language that invited resistance. In a modern approach, limits are set in a manner that preserves our teenager's self-respect. The limits are neither arbitrary nor capricious. They are anchored in values and aimed at character building. The distinction between feelings and acts is the cornerstone of the new approach to teenagers. We are permissive when dealing with feelings and wishes. We are strict when dealing with unacceptable behavior."3

Speaking to mothers, Ellen White says, "...Love is her success, her power. If she is a wise Christian, she will not attempt to force the child into submission. She will pray; and as she prays, she will be conscious of a renewal of spiritual life within herself. And she will see that at the same time the power that is working in her is working also in the child. And the child, in the place of being compelled, is led and grows gentler; and the battle is gained."4

1 Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent and Child, p. 114.

2 Ellen White, Child Guidance. p. 283.

3 Dr.Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Teenager, p. 150.

4 White, Child Guidance, p. 212.