Four Goals of Misbehavior

Why do children misbehave? Why the hitting, sulking, and angry outbursts? "All behavior occurs for a social purpose." Don Dinkmeyer, Ph.D; Gary McKay, Ph.D., Parents Handbook, p. 8. Jenny, age four and her mother, Nancy, were shopping at the mall. Nancy spied a highschool chum. "Oh, Sandy, it's so good to see you! This is Jenny, my four-year-old...Jenny, where are you? Are you hiding behind my skirts again? You don't have to hide. This is my highschool friend, Sandy. I don't know why Jenny is so shy."

There are many theories about misbehavior--heredity, environment, "ages, stages," etc. Children "do not believe they can belong in useful ways." Rudolph Deikurs identifies four goals for misbehavior: Attention, Power, Revenge, and Display of inadequacy. Ibid.

Attention: You can discover the child's goal by observing your reaction. Train yourself to look at the results of misbehavior rather than just the misbehavior. Jenny's unconscious strategy was: "I can be center stage by being shy." Many children believe "that they can belong only if they are receiving attention (and) prefer negative attention to being ignored." So, change your "responses to show them that they can achieve significance through useful contributions." We can "either ignore misbehavior or pay attention to it in ways they don't expect." Children should not be given attention on demand. The appropriate way is to give attention "when it is not expected." Ibid. p. 9. Our goal is to stop reinforcing misbehavior.

Power: Children who are seeking power believe that they are important when they are boss. They do their own thing and say by their behavior: "You can't force me to do anything." or "You'd better do what I want or I'll make a big scene." Of course, parents can subdue children. You may win the argument, but you may lose the relationship. Anger is a natural parental response to a child's defiance. Correcting a child when you are angry only makes matters worse. Children may "continue the unacceptable behavior or stop temporarily." Ibid. p. 10. In a power struggle children often do what they are told, but in their own way. This is known as "defiant compliance." "To manifest passion toward an erring child is to increase the evil. It arouses the worst passions of the child and leads him to feel that you do not care for him." Child Guidance, p. 245. So disentangle yourself from the power struggle. "Using power tactics to counter children's bids for power only impresses them with the value of power and increases their desire for it."Dinkmeyer, Op cit., p. 10.

Revenge: Children who try to get revenge usually believe that they are not of value. So their way to importance is to hurt someone. "They find a place by being cruel." This kind of behavior comes from discouragement so the best approach is not to retaliate. The challenge is to improve your relationship with children. Be calm, loving, firm, but kind.

Display of inadequacy: Children who often plead inadequacy are usually discouraged. They have given up. To keep others from expecting anything they say (to themselves), "I can't do it, so why should I try?" "To help a child who feels inadequate, parents must eliminate all criticism, and focus, instead, on the child's assets and strengths. The parents must encourage any effort to improve, no matter how small it seems." Ibid. p. 10. The secret is to concentrate on your own behavior if you wish your children to change theirs.

Build positive relationships: Parents should remember that respect from children is earned. Nagging, yelling, hitting, talking down, or following a double standard-- shows lack of respect. We will get respect, when we demonstrate respect.

Spend some time each day with each child--doing what you both enjoy. Each child should know that he or she will have his special time with you.

Children need frequent encouragement. Catch your child being good and then affirm him/her. Show your love by words and actions. Tell your children that you love them when they are not expecting such a comment. Non-verbal signs are especially important: pats, hugs, kisses, and tasseling hair are vital. One highschool girl said to her counselor: "No body hugs me any more." "Above all things else, let parents surround their children with an atmosphere of cheerfulness, courtesy, and love. A home where love dwells, and where it is expressed in looks, in words, and in acts, is a place where the angels delight to manifest their presence." Child Guidance, p. 146.

--Some of the above material is adapted from Dinkmeyer and McKay.