Quality time vs quantity time-- you have probably heard the arguments. But the real issue is bonding. Children need to bond with parents and bonding takes time--lots of time. Konrad Lorenz, a naturalist, coined the term, "imprinting." In his observation of birds, he found that newly hatched goslings will adopt as their mother any moving object they see a few hours after they are hatched. This takes place in a very brief, critical period. Of course, there is a big difference between goslings and babies, but nature may be telling us something about human development. Babies and small children must bond-- especially with their mothers. And the bonding time is relatively short.

Psychiatrist, John Bowlby, argues that a baby's emotion bond with its mother is the "foundation stone of personality." Kevin Leman, Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, p. 82. A baby's hunger for love is as great as his hunger for food. If mother isn't present, there is a tragic loss. When both parents work full time, children may be at risk. Modern life threatens the next generation.

We recognize that financial problems are reality and the choices are often very cruel. Sometimes the decision is: Either mother works or the children go to public school. It would be better to cut back on living standards--such as a smaller house or one car instead of two, so mother can stay home. This is especially crucial if children are very young. Dr. Leman quotes Brenda Hunter, a psychologist: "A mother isn't just feeding, diapering and playing with her baby. She is teaching him lessons about love and intimacy he needs to know his whole life long. If a mother is absent, he will fall in love, or try to, with whomever she has left in charge. A mother who elects to re-enter the work place needs to grapple with this and decide if she can live with the consequences." Ibid, p. 83. You can see why many women are deciding that the price of working out of the home is just too high.

Someone calculated that, after subtracting sleep, work, necessary activity, chores, etc., you have only 273 days to spend with each child-- from birth to their 18th birthday. (Ibid, p. 94.) Here are a few signs that your child may be suffering for lack of closeness with you.

1. Regression. Your child reverts to bed-wetting or baby talk, or your preteen may return to early childhood toys.

2. Excessive Whining or Clinging. The child does not want to play alone.

3. Sibling Warfare. Frequent or violent disagreements or competition is symptomatic.

4. Unexplainable Absence. Middle children or preteens are constantly asking to play with friends at their house and avoid doing things with the family.

Here are a few things you can do: Schedule a daily quiet time with each child, increase one-on-one time. Make a weekly date with each child to do something you both enjoy and then spend an hour together. Plan a meal together at your favorite restaurant just for talk, or a walk in the park, take a bike ride in the country. Set aside quiet time for stories each evening before bed.

These "dates" will do wonders for family togetherness. You will gain valuable insights into your child's emotional and spiritual development.

Do chores together--visit as you weed the flower bed, wash the car, do the dishes, make the beds, or prepare meals. But one important caveat: Never use this time to "preach." Share your life, your spiritual journey, the hard lessons you have learned. But mostly listen to your children. Their chatter will reveal their needs.

Above all, treasure what I call, "peak experiences." When you sense that your son or daughter is really opening up and sharing their in-most lives--these are precious moments. That's the time to listen with your heart. But they will not do this unless they really trust you. Be available, be vulnerable. Open up your life to them--appropriately, of course. But don't "plug" into them for your emotional support.

The key to all of the above is scheduling, prioritizing, and much prayer.

Yes, treasure every moment with your children. I can tell you from my experience that they will soon be gone and you will look back and wish you had spent more time with them. (No one on his deathbed ever wished that he had spent more time at the office.)

How much time do your children need? All you can give them and enjoy them while you have them.