Revised 2005

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF FAMILY SOLIDARITY

Are parents supposed to be dictators? Should children always be "seen and not heard"? Yes, parents must have the last word. But listening to children and adapting household rules to their desires—without compromising principle—will enhance family life and Christian nurture. A shift from an autocratic attitude to a more social equality will enhance a thinking atmosphere, promote willing obedience, and make for happy family relationships.

Our goal is cheerful obedience. Note the words of Scripture: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4, NIV). "Talk about them (God's laws) when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you get up" (Deut. 6:7, NIV). Talking families develop closeness and cohesiveness, which develop thinking children. We are counseled to take time to reason with children and treat them as "intelligent beings" while exercising "Christ-like authority." (See Child Guidance, pp. 31-35; 285; 263.)

1. Do things together as a family: Talk together. Work on hobbies together. Read together. Watch television together and talk about values. Listen to your children and maintain eye contact: "Tom, I'm glad to hear your point of view. You have a valid point. But have you thought of your sister's feelings in this issue? After all, she is your sister. I know you really care for her. I like the way you defended her yesterday on the ball diamond."

2. The dinner hour is prime time to visit and share with the family: No television, newspapers, or other distractions are allowed. It is so important to build warm relationships. Ask questions: "Larry, tell us about your volley ball team. How did your game go?" . . . "Larry, do you enjoy your spot on the team?" . . . Be sure to listen to responses.

3. Work together: Share the chores, clean the basement, plant the garden, help the neighbors, etc. Find a widow who needs help and take this on as a family project. Working together can be fun: "John, would you like to help me wash the car? Here is a bucket of warm water, soap, and a sponge. You do the right side and I'll do the left." Communicate positively while you work: "You are doing a good job, John. . ." When you are finished, show him how to wash down the car with a hose and nozzle. Working together is the best way for your son or daughter to learn how to do things for themselves.

4. Play together: Budget time for family fun. Be sure to get input from each member of the family. Play games together that force you to talk—like hop-scotch. Make it fun. Avoid arguments–use compromise to settle disagreements.

5. Demonstrate mutual acceptance: The parents must accept each other and the children by demonstrating: "I love you just as you are." This is the grace of God and talk about how God accepted you with all your faults.

6. Plan family rituals: This could be a Christmas story to be read each year. Hang stockings over the fireplace; put the flag out on the fourth of July and on Presidents' Day. At Thanksgiving find a needy family and prepare a food basket. Talk about the value of rituals: they remind us of things we should remember.

7. Blend kindness and firmness: Treat children with the same respect and courtesy as you would a stranger. Insist on obedience. Misbehavior should always have consequences. This is a law of life. Match the transgression with appropriate consequences, e.g. TV privileges removed if abused.

8. Downplay competition: Love of competition can become a disease. It can be grades, sports, etc. Remember, God gives the abilities.

9. Family council: A regular meeting when all the family members meet to discuss mutual issues: chores, complaints, questions, plans and suggestions, etc. Each has a voice and a vote but Dad and Mom have the final word. These meetings should be fun—learning experiences. Ideas for conducting a family meeting: (a) Meetings should be regularly scheduled so that family members can lay plans. (b) Share the responsibilities of the meeting by rotating who chairs the meeting. (c) Keep minutes of each family meeting so you and your children will know what took place. (d) If anyone has a complaint, ask if he/she has ideas for all to consider and then brainstorm to come up with solutions. (e) Both the parents and the children make a list to designate household chores to be shared. (f) Avoid long meetings, and domination by any one member of the family including parents. (g) Be sure to put agreements into action. (h) Talk about good things that are happening in your family.

10. Put God at the center: Budget time for and plan interesting daily family devotions. Give family worship time highest priority. Make them short, interesting, and practical. Attend Sabbath school and worship services regularly. The parents' example is the most powerful influence in the home. My mother could often be found on her knees in prayer. She did not preach but her example was a powerful influence in my life. She was a consistent Christian. I will always be thankful.

"Above all things else, let parents surround their children with an atmosphere of cheerfulness, courtesy, and love. A home where love dwells, and where it is expressed in looks, in words, and in acts, is a place where angels delight to manifest their presence." (Child Guidance, p. 146.)