Revised 2005

Sarah was screaming at the top of her voice. Her mother ran to the family room. Tom, ten years of age, was hitting his sister with a yard stick. "Stop!" she shouted. She grabbed the stick, took Tom by the arm and pushed him down on the sofa. She was trembling with anger. "Tom, why were you hitting your sister? Your behavior makes me very angry! I'm too angry to talk about it now! Stay there until I tell you to get up and think about what you have done." With that she stomped out of the room.

Anger is an intense emotional reaction. It is not a disease—it is a fact of life. Human personality, like God, is capable of great love and great anger. Uncontrolled anger can have terrible consequences. "So Cain was very angry. . . . Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him" (Gen. 4:5, 8, NIV). Anger can also be channeled in positive ways and lead to heroic action. The story is told of Abraham Lincoln watching slaves being auctioned like cattle. He became very angry and determined to do something about it—and he did. Largely through his efforts slavery was abolished in the United States.

God's anger is not like our anger. "The anger of God is always righteous and is ethically motivated. It is the other side of holiness, love, and His justice, so that it is always against sin. . . . Human anger, on the other hand, is often vicious and self-defensive." Robert L. Sawyer, Sr., Beacon Dictionary of Theology, p. 37. "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" (Ps. 103:8, NIV). "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32, NIV).

Katherine Gordy Levine shares a good rule in handling our anger at children. She calls it CARE. Each letter stands for a step that helps parents handle their anger in positive ways:

C = Calm down.

A = Ally with your child.

R = Review what upset you.

E = End on a positive note.*

1. Calm down. First you must get control of your feelings. Anger blocks communication both ways. Delayed action is a very important principle in discipline. Tom's mother did a wise thing when she set him down to think about what he had done and walked out of the room to get control of herself.

2. Ally with your child. About 30 minutes later Tom's mother came into the room and sat down on the davenport beside him, put her arm around him and gave him a hug. I love you and I love your sister. If a big 14-year-old boy were beating you with a stick, I would become angry and I would protect you.

3. Review what upset you. "Can you tell me in your own words why I became so angry?" (Listen.) "Do you understand why we do not allow hitting in this house? Please tell me in your own words." (Listen.)

4. End on a positive note. "Tom, you are a big boy now—almost 11 years old. You have many wonderful qualities. Your sister needs your love and help, not your abuse. I have confidence in you that you will never do this again. But there will be consequences. You will write a two-page paper entitled: 'Why Hitting is Not Allowed at Our House.' "

* "When Good Parents Get Angry,"

Woman's Day, Sep. 1, 1994.

Children have many ways of making parents angry. They know just what buttons to push. When you get angry the child knows that his/her attempts to provoke you have succeeded. A child's misbehavior often stems from his/her desire for attention. Children usually prefer negative attention to being ignored. So when we get angry we are rewarding them—if this is their goal. A child's misbehavior will change if we change our approach.

"If parents desire to teach their children self-control, they must first form the habit themselves. The scolding and faultfinding of parents encourages a hasty, passionate temper . . . . It is not necessary to resort to harsh measures; a firm, steady hand and a kindness which convinces the child of your love will accomplish the purpose." Child Guidance, pp. 94, 83.

"You know as well as I that we all lose our cool at times. One thing to remember is that when we do, we shouldn't be afraid to apologize later after things have calmed down. It's very possible to make a beautiful thing out of a bad one. It's amazing how pleasant communications can become when a family member is big enough to apologize when he is wrong, and losing one's calm inappropriately (overreacting) can be such an occasion. Believe it or not, the times of warmness and closeness that usually follow this are among those special memories that a child (and parents) never forgets. They are priceless." Ross Campbell, M.D., How To Really Love Your Child, pp. 83, 84.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1, NIV