Do You Believe Children Should Be Treated As They Deserve?

Do mistakes always deserve consequences? Should disobedience deserve punishment? If you’re a parent and that’s what you believe, then you may talk about grace, but chances are great your kids won’t have the foggiest idea of what it’s all about.

You can only teach grace if you parent from the perspective of treating children as they NEED to be treated, not as they DESERVE to be treated!

When Peter denied his Lord, did Jesus lecture him? Put him on probation? Withhold privileges? No, He didn’t! Peter might have deserved that kind of treatment, but the very next time Peter and Jesus were together, Jesus made a point of getting His love message across to Peter instead of disciplining him. Three time Jesus asked, “Peter, do you love me?” and when Peter had declared his love for Jesus three times, confirming that their relationship was a love relationship, not a disciplinary one, Jesus then gave Peter a meaningful responsibility, showing Peter that He trusted him.

“Peter, feed my sheep.” You can read the story in John 21:15-19. (Paul made it clear that trust is also a important component of love when he said, “love believes all things.” See 1 Cor. 13:7.)

What does this have to do with parenting? Grace can only be understood by a child when the child experiences it! He knows he deserves a spanking. Instead, his mother wipes away his tears, hugs him, looks in his eyes, and says, “Steve, don’t let it happen again.”

To make grace crystal clear, use the love cup metaphor. Children crave love, and to them love is the same as positive attention. When children are filled to overflowing with wholesome attention, they feel loved and act accordingly. Love fills a critical need. But this kind of love is not always deserved.

Here is how it happens. A child’s love cup is empty. Parents are busy. The child just got scolded. Nobody is paying any attention. An empty love cup begs to be filled. How can the child get his parent’s attention. Throw something, yell, hit sister. He does, and guess what? He gets his parent’s attention. But it’s negative attention and the child is soon empty again. So the child repeats the offending behavior.

This time, instead of punishing, Dad asks, “Steve, is your love cup empty?” Steve is not expecting this. He knows what he deserves. “Steve, come over and let me give you a hug. You can’t be loving to others unless your love cup is full and overflowing. Let’s see if I can’t get you filled up so the bad behavior can go away.”

Now Steve is really confused. How can this be? He knows he deserves to be sent to his room, or at the very least, he deserves a lecture. Instead, Dad loves him up.

Then Dad asks, “Steve, is your love cup full?” When Dad gets a positive response, Dad gives Steve a responsibility, showing that he trusts him.

“Steve. Why don’t you go and help your mom set the table? And by the way, the next time you feel empty, you don’t need to act ugly to get attention. Instead, tell me your love cup is empty, and ask me for a little love. I’ll take the time to make sure you’re filled to overflowing. OK?”

Dr. Kay Kuzma, wife, mother, friend, and author of over 30 books and hundreds of articles, is founder and speaker of Family Matters, a ministry to promote wholesome family relationships and reduce alienation and abuse. Kay received her masters in child development at Michigan State University and her doctorate in early childhood education from UCLA. After teaching for 25 years, she now has a daily radio feature, Got A Minute for Your Family? and has family promotional TV spots on Three Angels Broadcasting Network. She has been a popular guest on radio and television shows, such as NBC TodayÍs Show, TBNÍs Joy Program, Voice of Prophecy and NPR, and is a dynamic and entertaining motivational speaker and family educator. Her latest books include: Easy Obedience, Memorable Baby Dedications, Creating Love, Blessings at Midnight and Belonging. She and her husband, Jan W., have three grown children and a growing number of grandchildren. Dr. Kay can be reached at Family Matters or by email at kaykuzma@aol.com