Seven Keys To Unlock Passion

FOR MEN WHO WANT TO BE GREAT LOVERS

Most husbands desire to be great lovers.  They want to have a truly skillful and passionate sex life.  Why is it that so many men fall short of this goal?  The most common problem that can sabotage these lofty dreams is that men don’t truly understand women.

There’s no magic button that will instantly turn your wife on and transform your sex life.  However, these seven keys can have amazing results if you are willing to get into your wife’s reality and quit believing she will ever THINK, BEHAVE or FEEL like you.

1. Women are more complex sexually than men.
   
   Physically, men respond very well to their wives.  For example Plan A will work for a man.  This means that he can just show up and initiate physical love play.  But in reality for her, you will need alternate Plans A, B, C, D and E.  One night, love play will create arousal with a lot of fun.  The next night the same physical love play will be irritating to her and she may be too sensitive, hence the need for Plans B to E.
   
   My wife and I were in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico staying at the romantic Pueblo Bonita Pacifica Spa Resort.  It was warm late night and we were alone in the beautiful pool experiencing the breezes off the Pacific.  I decided to go with Plan A, show up and initiate love play.  It worked so well that I thought I would try it again the next night.  I suggested a late night swim and every thing was going well until another couple showed up.  So I quickly switched to Plan B and suggested a walk on the moonlit beach. Just being together with the one you love is what really counts.  Great lovers know to be quick on their feet and slide smoothly into another Plan without pouting or shutting down.
   
   
2. A wife needs emotional connection to respond sexually.
   
   Men and women jump to false conclusions, thinking that each other operates from the same sexual reality.  Wives often think that all men want is sex, while their husbands are actually trying to connect with them emotionally through sexual activity.  Men wish women would respond like they themselves do.  For a man, physical activity “connects the heart” and opens the door to emotional bonding.  For a woman, emotional bonding “connects the heart” and opens the door to physical activity.  After you have been neglectful or hurtful, your wife probably is not in the mood to make-up by having sexual intimacy.  She needs to feel her husband’s love and attention so she can once again feel like making love.
   
   More than 2,000 Christian women were asked what they liked most about sex, and the vast majority valued physical closeness, emotional closeness or time spent together much more than the physical release of sex.  Women want to feel emotionally connected or the lovemaking won’t usually follow.1
   
   
3. Women are more distracted and prone to interrupt desire.
   
   Women multitask better than men do, while men focus more on the task at hand.  Husbands can falsely assume that their wives don’t like sex when in reality she may just be struggling to focus.  Women’s minds and feelings fire off in a variety of directions.  The wife’s environment and inner attitude will automatically affect lovemaking.  Women are more easily distracted and the mood can be broken.  The wise husband minimizes distractions.  He makes sure the phone calls have been made, the children are sound asleep and the laundry is folded.  He begins to help his wife focus in on lovemaking by starting with physical affection before they head to the bedroom.
   
   Great lovers also recognize and attempt to control another huge problem that can block her desire – fatigue.  Be sensitive to her lack of energy and schedule lovemaking at rested moments or provide breaks for her to become restored.  This may be one of the biggest differences between men and women.  For men, sex easily overshadows exhaustion.  For women, exhaustion overshadows any desire for sex.  She doesn’t hate sex but rather there is the distraction of genuinely being tired.  This can interfere with her ability to respond.
   
   
4. Women respond with receptive desire.
   
   Studies show that women think about sex less often, are indeed more easily distracted and are not as hormonally driven to sexual activity.  However, most wives do enjoy their sexual feelings, want to be close to their husbands and want to deepen their relationship through lovemaking.
   Studies are showing that women have more of a “receptive” desire (open to initiation, responding to loving and direct approaches) than an “assertive” desire (thinking actively about sex, initiating activity).  A skilled husband understands this and knows that his wife probably won’t think about sex all day unless he does or says something to remind her, such as a love note he composed that morning.2
   
   Wives can sometimes desire their husbands to sweep them up into creative, passionate lovemaking.  This does not mean that women want to be pushed into sexual activity but rather the romantic scene in their minds involves husbands who are skilled, romantically assertive and deeply attracted to their femininity.
   
   
5. Women fantasize in 3-D.
   
   Men, when your wife steps out of the shower, do you zoom in on her soul and heart and notice if she is tired, relaxed or happy?  Do your fantasies include how you feel connected towards her and how much you love her?  Your wife fantasizes in all three dimensions of your total person:  body, soul and spirit.  Her erotic mental imagery feeds off of you, the relationship and her feelings, which contributes to her choices sexually.  A good lover understands his wife’s method of thinking, as he enhances her desire and enjoyment of lovemaking.  Her mental images about your body probably don’t include crucial parts of your male anatomy.  She remembers such things as your clean smell, your hands that lovingly touch her, your voice that expresses caring and your smile that lights her up.  Your ability to express feelings and to attend to her with surprises and thoughtfulness makes her want to give herself to you.  She responds to that spiritual part of you that longs for completion and is committed to her.
   
   
6. Wives enjoy nurturing sex but resent duty sex.
   
   Husbands often complain that their wives don’t really want sex but passively comply.  Men, learn the difference between “duty” or “pity” sex as compared to “nurturing” lovemaking.  Duty sex fulfills an obligation motivated out of guilt or a wifely requirement when the husband is getting pushy.  Pity sex gives the partner sexual release because he is needy, frustrated, or if it’s been awhile.  Nurturing sex, on the other hand, is a wife being able to say “no” and yet say “yes” with a desire to connect with her husband.  Remember that when you are pushy or pouting, making her unable to say “no” then it will be impossible for her to lovingly say “yes.”
   
   
7. A woman’s sexiness is empowered by her dad and husband.
   
   A young girl grows into her femininity as her father is able to make affirming statements such as, “You are such a beautiful woman, and I am so proud of the person you are becoming.”  These kinds of affirmations launch her into the world of boys and dating with feelings of self-confidence.  She makes sure that the other men who come into her life will value and respect her just like her dad.  Sadly, many girls do not have dads who do this kind of launching.  If this happens, then the importance of their husbands’ role will actually increase.
   
   Women have what we can call an “alluring” desire for their husbands.  This is when they realize their feminine beauty and bodies have great appeal to their husbands, and they are empowered to want to turn them on.  Many husbands don’t realize that they are the ones who can get the ball rolling.  Husbands need to always compliment their wives but never obsessively focus in on her flaws.  You can build up her sexiness when you give her admiration and appreciation and she will respond to you favorably.  Help your wife focus on her own sexuality which will turn nurturing sex into a passionate connection.
   
   Men, if we desire to be great lovers with intimate and passionate sex, we need to be smart.  Work with who your wife is, and not what you wish she could be.  Become a sensitive, skilled and wise lover who knows how to unlock her passion because you understand and love her.

1. Secrets of Eve: Understanding the Mystery of Female Sexuality.  Hart, Archibald; Hart, Weber, Catherine and Taylor, Debra (1998).  Nashville, TN. Word.
2. Restoring the Pleasure: Complete Step-by-Step Program to Help Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers.  Penner, Clifford and Joyce (1993) Dallas, TX. Word.