Powerlessness for Parents

Lessons from the Story of the Prodigal Son

The Biblical story of the Prodigal Son is about detachment—a good Al-Anon concept. The prodigal son left home with a round-trip ticket in his pocket that was willingly provided by his father. All the boy knew was that he wanted to get out of there. He wasn’t concerned about the future.

The father was an astute enough psychologist to know that his son had to leave home before he could come back, and he was humble enough to abstain from controlling and send the boy away with his blessing even though it must have broken his heart. People with a prodigal journey on their agenda have to depart before they can return. How wise of the father to see that! As difficult as it must have been for him to refrain from trying to deter his son, the father didn’t try to stop him. His willingness to let his son go was the best demonstration of faith in God and respect for a child’s autonomy that any father could possibly make!

That decision—the decision to let go and let God—is a tough call under the best of circumstances. It’s hard enough to let our children go geographically when they leave home for college. It’s harder still to let them go emotionally and intellectually when they begin to think for themselves and differentiate themselves from us philosophically and spiritually. Some parents fight desperately to avoid this moment and, in clinging to their children, drive them further away.

Let’s examine the story of the prodigal son in the light of the typical behavior of careful Christian parents. Needless-to-say, my data base is dominated by my own experience as a parent, although I have been privileged to witness the experience of many other conservative Christian families in the 25 years I have been involved in treating addiction and codependence.

The good news is that many religiously-oriented parents model healthy moderation and balance in their Christian lives. They provide a grace-filled home atmosphere and don’t try to pound their children to perfection. Children reared in this kind of environment develop a pretty realistic outlook on life and are reasonably well-equipped to live in a world that is filled with imperfect people. They are prepared to face life on life’s terms and are unlikely to develop serious social or emotional problems.

On the other hand, there are those Christian parents who overprotect, over-control, and over-supervise their children to the point that the children feel smothered. They often end up accusing their parents of “cramming religion down their throats.”

Such zealousness usually arises from the parents’ legitimate desire to spare their children unnecessary suffering. To that end, they become obsessed with controlling their teenagers to keep them out of trouble and, in so doing, increase the probability that their children will feel compelled to do the very thing the parents fear most: leave home, abandon their values, and forsake God and church. In order to prevent the unthinkable, the relentlessly controlling parent creates the unthinkable.

I have yet to see the first case in which keeping the clamps on a child and holding him/her hostage to a given set of beliefs and standards did anything but postpone the inevitable exit maneuver. Parents who try to maintain control may succeed temporarily. But in the end, the prodigal child will find a way to leave.

Here’s what I have learned from listening to scores of young people who are recovering from addiction: (1) no parent can give his child a first-hand Christian experience secondhand; (2) in trying to insure their children’s salvation, many parents resort to control tactics; (3) some take their controlling to an obsessive/compulsive level, becoming addicted to managing their children’s lives—for their own good, of course; (4) often, children reared in this kind of atmosphere develop an inordinate need to rebel, and (5) once the child has a prodigal journey on his/her agenda, there’s no point in delaying the process because delay tactics only postpone the inevitable; (6) letting the child go and turning his/her salvation over to the God in whom the parent trusts is the only realistic option. It is an appropriate expression of faith and parental love, as exemplified by the father of the Prodigal Son.

Whether the prodigal child will eventually return home or continue to be estranged from his family depends largely upon whether or not the parents take responsibility for their share in his/her problems and treat their own issues therapeutically. Step One for parents on the road to recovery is, “We admitted we were powerless over the compulsion to control our children and that our attempts to control their lives have rendered our lives unmanageable.”

A father’s willingness to let his child go is the best demonstration of faith in God and respect for the child’s autonomy that any parent can make!

The Bridge, Paul and Carol Cannon,
1745 Logsdon
Bowling Green, Kentucky 42101
(270) 777-1094
Email: just4today7@juno.com Web: thebridgetorecovery.com