Is Your Marriage In Trouble? by Darlene Smith

Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

by Darlene Smith, B.S.W., M.C., Vancouver, Washington

Divorce is happening far too often. And it isn’t any longer "out there." It’s in here among us, in our churches. Marriages that start out with high hopes and wonderful goals somehow over a period of time come unglued. Take a few moments and check the warning signals for your life.

Tom sat in my office trying to keep his tears in check. "Looking back," he said, "I can see where Mary was trying to tell me our marriage was in trouble, but I wasn’t listening. I was too involved in my work, and now I’m afraid it’s too late."

Over the years I have heard numerous variations of Tom’s story and pain. Marriages seldom fall apart overnight. Almost always there are warning signals if you’re willing to acknowledge them.

Check the following statements that apply to your marriage. (Names are fictitious.)

	1. You want more time away from your spouse, even when you are in the same house.
	2. You share fewer feelings with your spouse because he/she wouldn’t understand or care.
	3. You and your spouse rarely touch except sexually.
	4. You have become very critical of your spouse – to her/him, to your children, to others, and/or to yourself.
	5. You are carrying resentments toward your spouse. Things that take place in the present add to things that you haven’t resolved from the past.
	6. You think of former romantic relationships and feel you would have been happier if you had married one of them.
	7. You don’t make plans to spend special time with your spouse. The two of you mostly sit at home watching TV, reading, etc.
	8. You complain about your marriage to your friends and/or a parent.
	9. You aren’t keeping yourself up, i.e., by exercise, cleanliness, dressing attractively, or controlling your weight.
	10. You make hurtful "jokes" about your spouse in front of him/her when others are present.
	11. When you and your spouse do talk, the subjects are usually money and children and who is going to do what around the house.
	12. More and more you find yourself attracted to members of the opposite sex.
	13. You compare your spouse to others of the opposite sex, and others usually come out ahead.
	14. When your spouse tries to talk to you about something that is wrong, you repeatedly tune him/her out.
	15. You cope with life with compulsive behaviors such as over-eating, overworking, over involvement in church activities (or alcohol, drugs, etc.)
	16. You customarily share your deepest feelings with a close friend rather than with your spouse.
	17. You rarely compliment or show appreciation to your spouse.
	18. Most of your free time is spent in activities that don’t include your spouse.
	19. You and your spouse bicker and argue over small things, or your "discussions" frequently escalate into major fights.
	20. You feel your spouse should do things your way. You try to change your spouse into whom you want him/her to be.
	21. You avoid being alone with your spouse. You are more comfortable when others are present.
	22. You have sexual fantasies about other members of the opposite sex.
	23. You spend considerable time and share your feelings with a member of the opposite sex.
	24. When you and your spouse fight, on occasion one (or both of you) throw things, break things, or slaps or hits the other.
	25. You dress or behave in ways to attract the opposite sex.

Add your check marks. If you checked:

1-3 items You have a strong marriage. Work on the areas you checked.

4-8 items Your marriage is showing signs of deterioration. Pay attention and work on those areas that need improvement.

9-12 items Your marriage is in trouble. You are on your way to a dead marriage. Do something now or your marriage will most likely slip into the next category. Find a good marriage therapist, attend marriage seminars or read books about strengthening your marriage. Let your spouse know that saving your marriage is very important to you.

13+ items Your marriage is in CRISIS! You may still be able to save it, but it will take a huge commitment and a lot of hard work. Your marriage is dying and only emergency care will save its life. Get help immediately or it will be too late.

God instituted the loving, nurturing institution of marriage during creation week, which indicates how important the marriage relationship is to Him. He will do everything possible, in partnership with you, to strengthen or restore your marriage. Take your struggling or broken relationship to Him. He cares!

If you checked items 12 and/or 22-25, your marriage is in the Crisis category.

Click on this link for Darlene Smith's contact information.

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