How Much Is Too Much?

"But he (or she) is such a nice person! It can’t be that bad. Don’t you think you’re just being sensitive? He (or she) is a leader in the church! Everyone has faults. Why don’t you go see a pastor or a Christian counselor? You seem tired and stressed. Why don’t you take a vacation together and try to work things out?"

Have you ever heard any of these well-meant comments or questions and wished someone would just listen to you and believe what you are saying about your partner?
To abuse another person is to use words and actions to coerce, force, manipulate and/or control his or her thoughts and actions. At some point, most of us have tried to get someone to do what we want him or her to do. This becomes abusive when we keep trying, even after s/he has indicated that it is not something that s/he wants to do.

You are the only person who can decide what is the best option for you and who you can trust. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

10 Warning Signs That You or a Friend Is Being Abused and What To Do

1. Fear – Watch out if you are afraid of your partner for any reason. Find someone you trust to tell about your fears, however small they may seem. If that person seems to think they are unimportant or does not seem to believe you, find someone else to talk to! As a friend, ask about fears and believe whatever you hear.

Encourage your friend to trust the way s/he is feeling and to do what is necessary to stay safe. Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2. Low Spirits or Self Image – Take notice if you find yourself questioning your abilities and talents, wondering where your personal strength has gone to or questioning your worth in the eyes of God. These can be signs of verbal and/or emotional abuse. You may be the only person who knows how the things your partner says make you feel. Read the book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond. As a friend, offer to pray for and with your friend. Psalm 52:8 "But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever."

3. Excuse Making – Pay attention if your partner constantly blames you for his/her behavior when s\he is tired, stressed out or angry. Not all people say and do harmful things when they are under the weather. People who have been abused as children, people who are addicted to substances and people who have limited incomes do not all choose to be abusive to their partners. Recognize that abuse is a choice and it is not your fault if someone chooses to abuse you. As a friend, let people know that you will not be silent about abuse when you know it is occurring. Psalm 25:3 "No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse."

4. Isolation – Be concerned if your partner does not want you to spend time with family and friends. If you cancel appointments with them to be with your partner, or because s/he does not really like them or get along with them very well, you may be on your way to losing their support, which is dangerous. Moving to a remote location away from the important people in your life is also concerning. As a friend, do everything you can to maintain contact and keep your friend involved in any activities you enjoy doing together. Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If one falls down his (or her) friend can help him (or her) up, but pity the man (or woman) who falls and has no one to help him (or her) up!"

5. Monetary Control – Look out if your partner is the one who balances the checkbook and you have to ask him or her for "permission" to use your finances or if you have ever quit a job because your partner told you that you did not need to work. It may be time to explore what options are available for your own source of income and/or a personal checking/savings account/credit card. As a friend, know how much you can afford to spend when helping a friend in need and know that a person often leaves an abusive relationship more than once. Avoid feeling used or taken advantage of by letting your friend know what you can offer and staying true to that offer. Deuteronomy 15:10 "Give generously to him (her) and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."

6. Jealousy/Intimidation – Be on guard if your partner accuses you of having an affair or feels bad when s/he is not involved in everything you are doing. If s/he is nice to other people but not to you, drives recklessly or is unkind to family pets, these could be subtle ways of letting you know that s/he could hurt you next. As a friend, provide a safe place for feelings to be expressed. 2 Samuel 22:3 "My God is my rock, in whom I take, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior – from violent men you save me."

7. Body Language – Don’t ignore seemingly insignificant movements, such as blocking a doorway or exit by standing in front of it, being steered around by an arm, "play-fights" or wrestling in which one person is clearly stronger than the other and makes it known. Any movement that is threatening, or sends the message that there is the potential for harm is indeed damaging. Listen to your intuition and if you do not always feel safe with your partner, you may want to call a crisis line and just ask someone for a second opinion. As a friend, keep a record of when your friend tells you that s/he has felt physically unsafe and keep the record available for her or him to see when desired. Job 11:18 "You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety."

8. Sexual Coercion – Protect the purity of your body and realize that if your partner touches you in a way that is unwanted or uncomfortable and continues after being asked to stop, s/he is being abusive. Begging for sex, pouting or whining when the other partner does not want to have sex or refusing to have sex for selfish reasons are all ways of attempting to control another person’s sexual activity. As a friend, you can respect and affirm the choices that your friend makes. I Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought with a price. So then, honor God and bring glory to Him in your body."

9. Child Abuse – Be careful when defining child abuse to include all of the warning signs that an adult would consider abusive. If your partner scares your children, sees them as inferior because they are young, controls their time with friends and family, threatens them, puts them down, calls them names, is mean to their pets or always has to win at their games, these are signs of abusive behavior. As a friend, treat children as people and report suspected abuse to authorities. Keep reporting and keep a record of reports you have made. Matthew 19:14 "Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’"

10. Scripture Misuse – Be wary if your partner uses Bible scripture to explain why you should do or not do certain things. Make sure you read the whole passage. For example, Colossians 3:18-19 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Here is another quote that can be used to keep an abusive partner with his/her victim. Malachi 2:16 "’I hate divorce’, says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith." God hates divorce and God hates violence, because these things destroy relationships, but the verse does not say that God hates the person who chooses to get a divorce rather than live with abuse. As a friend, remind your friend that God loves him or her as a child and that no loving parent would ask his or her child to allow another child to be picked on just because no one was stopping him or her. 1John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."

Marie Gohl, MSW – Walla Walla College graduate who is spending a year as an AmeriCorps member with Project Open Door, working through Henderson House to reach out to the faith-based community of Yamhill County with information about abuse and domestic violence and resources. For more information, please call: (503) 472-0244 or email: opendoor@hendersonhouse.org