By Edwin A. Schwisow, Gleaner editor -- reprinted from May 2002 Gleaner

Your members must have excellent marriages in the Seventh-day Adventist Church," a new Christian told his Adventist seatmate on an Eastbound airliner.

"Since I’ve become a Christian, I realize that a lot of my problems with my family were spiritually based. I wasn’t listening well, I wasn’t spending quality time, I wasn’t understanding my family. Now things are different. And since you Adventists are so serious about your faith, you must have wonderful families."

Unfortunately, churchgoing has little statistical relation to success in marriage, though spirituality does. And while married Adventists in the U.S. have a better than average chance of dodging the divorce bullet, the advantage is surprisingly small.

Preventing Divorce

"The latest figures show that if you get married in 2002, you’ll have a 50/50 chance of not divorcing," says Harvey Corwin, Family Ministries director for the Oregon Conference.

Harvey and his wife, Kathy, occupy simple, but comfortable, Clackamas, Ore., offices, where for the past 16 years they have directed one of the most expansive family-life programs in the Adventist denomination.
"Among Christians in general, the marriage-failure factor is higher, 53 percent. Among Adventists, it’s lower, 46 percent. But, as you can see, the figures all hover near 50 percent. And the sad part of it all is that most divorces can be prevented."

Almost every weekend, the couple travels to a church or seminar site in Oregon or southwestern Washington to conduct weekend programs. Though some seminars are directed at single adults and youth, all focus in some way on strengthening the embattled institution of marriage.

"A survey conducted by the General Conference shows that marital conflict, divorce, emotional abuse and verbal abuse, pre-marital sex, living together without marriage, and adultery are considered to be high-priority problems by a vast majority of Adventist members," Harvey says.

"And a whopping 80-plus percent of church members say premarital counseling and education, parent education, marriage strengthening programs, family conflict management seminars, and related programs are ‘absolutely essential’ or ‘very important.’ What we are doing here in Oregon is in extremely high demand. We’re scheduled many months in advance. Our churches are hungry for this help."

Work Well Done

The couple, now married for 36 years, began pastoring in 1970. They quickly noticed that many, if not most, pastoral challenges had something to do with family relationships. Kathy began holding marriage-enrichment seminars in 1971.

"Back then, men simply would not attend seminars about marriage," Harvey laughs. "But that changed by 1980. Married members were getting scared, as their friends’ marriages fell apart at an accelerating rate. So, in 1980, we started holding ‘Love Takes Time’ seminars in our local churches.

"When we came to pastor the Mt. Tabor Church in Portland, Ore., back in 1980, the Oregon Conference took note, and in 1986, we were called to do this work full time."

Now the departmental leaders with the longest tenure in the Oregon Conference, the couple continues to refine and expand their slate of seminars. On Harvey’s desk is a copy of the book "Marriage, Just a Piece of Paper?" a 2002 compilation of articles that represent the latest thinking on marriage, by Christian counselors and researchers.

He’s already highlighted the first chapters in fluorescent yellow. Particularly heavily marked is a chapter on societal change between 1960 and 2000, titled "What’s Happening with Us?"

Marriage in Crisis

"This is cutting edge information," says Corwin, pointing to an underlined passage. It reads, "In 1960, the average age of marriage for a man was 20, and the single most common age for a woman to marry was age 18, right out of high school, basically. Now the average age of marriage for a woman has moved up to 25. It’s even a couple of years older for men. So now you spend, on average, the first seven to 10 years of your adult life not being married, as opposed to getting married practically as soon as you became an adult.... The divorce rate more than doubled from 1960s to the 1980s. It has leveled off a little bit, and it hasn’t gone up since the early 1980s, but hasn’t gone down much either. It is still over twice as high as it was in the 1960s."

The time period in question coincides perfectly with the Corwins’ period of adult life; they have personally watched their friends divorce and remarry, some many times.

"We’ve moved into a period of American life when most marriage partners are both working. They may rarely see one another, or have meaningful discussion. Both partners are working as hard as they can, and they’re on edge.

"That’s one reason, more than 15 years ago, we begin holding weekend-long retreats for couples to self-evaluate, taking them to a four-star hotel, to share information, inspiration, instructors’ training, and workshop material," says Kathy Corwin.

Known throughout the Northwest, the "Love Takes Time" seminars are held twice a year, with average attendance of 40 couples, and there’s always a waiting list.

"Some couples have come back several times, over the years," smiles Kathy. "They have such a rewarding time, and it’s so relaxing and enjoyable. Couples need this kind of special time together, when they can focus on their marriages and work through any problems."

Marital Satisfaction

What are the secrets of marital satisfaction? The Corwins have come up with a list of 10.

"Today, our society has virtually accepted the proposition that it’s unrealistic for marriages to ‘go the distance.’ It’s important, as Christians, that we affirm that life-long marriage is still the best kind, and determine to do what it takes to make it last."

"Second, we must deal with unresolved anger and offer forgiveness. We must recognize that many marriage partners still have unresolved anger left over from their childhoods, especially if their own parents divorced.
"Couples must also work on communication skills. During the past 40 years, we have lost many of these skills, and modern times demand greater skills than our grandparents had.

"We also must understand the difference between true love and ‘falling in love with love itself.’ The Bible actually has quite a bit to say on the topic (Ephesians 5:25; Tutus 2:4, etc.).

Negative thoughts also challenge Christian marriages, and the Corwins help couples defuse ingrained, negative attitudes.

"Becoming soul-mates is almost a lost art," says Harvey. "But unless we have true, spiritual intimacy in our families, we’ll fall short of God’s plans for our happiness."

"We also often misunderstand the role and function of biology and hormones in passion and intimacy and develop unrealistic expectations," he adds. "There’s a needed balance among ‘passion,’ ‘intimacy,’ and ‘commitment’ that we need to learn to attain."

"And finally," he smiles, "we need to develop the habit of happiness."

Quite a Prescription

It’s quite a prescription, and as their centerpiece seminar suggests, "Love Takes Time." But the Corwins believe they are fighting a winning battle.

They’ve taken that battle to several fronts, and believe they’re making progress on each.

They’re working individually with church members, and at times with entire congregations, to help create what they call "marriage-friendly churches."

Since the Corwins also direct the Conference’s Sabbath School Department, they have many opportunities to help churches minister to married couples, who often begin attending church when their children are old enough to enjoy going to Sabbath school.

The Corwins also have developed a plan for "preventive intervention" in churches, where couples are encouraged to assess their own marital health.

"We need to remember that effective ministries not only take time, but they must be comprehensive, and involve many pieces," he adds.

Those "pieces" for the Corwins involve holding and attending retreats and seminars for marital self-evaluation, Sabbath school classes of several Sabbaths’ duration on marriage and family issues, small-group activities, mentoring activities, organized social activities, specialized training, and modeling by pastoral staff and church leadership.

The Corwins also believe that entire congregations can and should be sensitized that the institution of marriage is to be prioritized, that the Conference Family Ministries Department is available to them for resources, and that professional help is available.

To make their ministry as accessible as possible to church members, the Corwins have established a "24-hour Information Line" that church members can call for help or resources. That number is (503) 654-6054, Web site www.lovetakestime.com.

Is All This Necessary?

"We’ve traveled from Portland, Ore., to Portland, Maine, in this ministry," Harvey laughs, underscoring that the demand for marriage education is high throughout the nation.

They have appeared several times on "Three Angels Broadcasting Network" programs, and now host a weekly program.

They have also written and edited many syllabuses for use in local churches and have developed a lending library of video and print materials.

They constantly train local lay members for family life ministry in their local congregations, primarily in the Oregon Conference territory and the Pacific Northwest.

"We need all of this work and resourcing, because Adventist church members are challenged by the same rapid changes in society and stresses on family life that everyone faces.

"But we have many advantages, as Christians, and we need to emphasize this advantage to defend and enrich our marriages, even in trying times," he adds.

So he and Kathy continue their now-16-year-old quest to defend, exalt, enrich, and romance the institution of Christian marriage in the Northwest.

"Love takes time," they constantly remind themselves, but they’re encouraged by the many, many testimonies of success they receive each month.

The Corwins’ materials now circulate worldwide, and Global Mission teams routinely carry their materials to remote areas of the world.

"The family is the basic building block of the Church, as well as our nation," they believe. "As our families go, so goes our church. We need to continue to work hard to strengthen this basic building block of our faith."